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hahaha good one
Growing old with this forum.. :)
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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Adoketa, Breitbinden, Paciquamis, Diplotaenia, Elizabethae, Mendezi, Inka, Agassizi, L046, L066, Crystal Red Shrimps
hahaha good one
******
Richard
******
Canon 20D 100mm Macro EF-S 18-55mm EF-S 55-250mm EF-400mm f5.6 Speedlite 550EX 2x420EX ST-E2
http://www.trident.smugmug.com/
Growing old with this forum.. :)
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Adoketa, Breitbinden, Paciquamis, Diplotaenia, Elizabethae, Mendezi, Inka, Agassizi, L046, L066, Crystal Red Shrimps
Good thread!!
Cheers,
I have dwarf cichlids in my tanks! Do you?
Growing old with this forum.. :)
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
Adoketa, Breitbinden, Paciquamis, Diplotaenia, Elizabethae, Mendezi, Inka, Agassizi, L046, L066, Crystal Red Shrimps
Agreed that this is a good thread. My turn to revive it. An old joke but nevertheless I find this funny.....
It was just before England vs Brazil at the World Cup. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're shit and we can't be bothered." Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down to the pub!"
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England all by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few drinks. After a few pints, they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, lets see how he got on". They put on the teletext once again "Result from the stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes), England 1 (Crouch 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England!
They rush back to the stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down!"
"Don't be daft, you've got a draw against England, all by yourself! And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, no... I have let Brazil down.... I got sent off after 12 minutes!"
Check out my blog, True Tales From The Darkside
http://www.firespitter38.blogspot.com/
Growing old with this forum.. :)
hey hey,
England is not that bad.. haha, just that they were under Steve.. I have much more confidence in Fabio.
Great joke nonetheless!
Adoketa, Breitbinden, Paciquamis, Diplotaenia, Elizabethae, Mendezi, Inka, Agassizi, L046, L066, Crystal Red Shrimps
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her
a beautiful African Grey parrot, 'what about this one Madam' A beautiful
bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20.00'
Why is it that cheap? the woman asks. 'Well" replied the assistant, 'it
used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity'.
Oh, I dont mind that, said the woman, making her mind up, 'I'm broadminded
and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot'.
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once in his new home,
the parrot looks around and swaks at the woman, 'F*ck me, a new f*cking
brothel and a f*cking new madam'.
I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel'. says the woman indignantly, but
she sees the funny side and lets it drop.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
'A new borthel, a new madam, and now new f*cking prostitutes' says the
parrot when he sees the daughters.
'Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes' complain the
girls, but the all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new filthy
pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.
'Well f*ck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new @#%$ prostitutes, but the
same old clients. How ya going Dave?' says the parrot.
hahaha just remind me not to buy a parrot!
******
Richard
******
Canon 20D 100mm Macro EF-S 18-55mm EF-S 55-250mm EF-400mm f5.6 Speedlite 550EX 2x420EX ST-E2
http://www.trident.smugmug.com/
Just for fun birthday calculator :
http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp
enjoy
here another
Singlish Maths
Even an Englishman could not concoct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Singaporeans.
Lim Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 0. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1!
This is what he came up with ...
1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep.
But couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down.
The man rushes out and wanted to 5 with me.
I run until I fall 6 and throw out.
So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him.
Then I took a 9 and try to stab him.
10 God he runs away.
So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven.
Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6.
He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work.
He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down.
I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.
benny... this is joke hope you dont mind .
In this context, it's totally acceptable. No worries.Originally Posted by eddy planer
benny... this is joke hope you dont mind .
Cheers,
p.s. By the way, good one!
I have dwarf cichlids in my tanks! Do you?
Growing old with this forum.. :)
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Adoketa, Breitbinden, Paciquamis, Diplotaenia, Elizabethae, Mendezi, Inka, Agassizi, L046, L066, Crystal Red Shrimps
An old rich lady had 3 sons in-saw and she wanted to test them if they are really that good to her or her money. So she thought up an idea to test them.
1st week she asked the eldest son in-law to take a walk with her. When they were crossing the bridge she 'accidentally' fell in. Without hesitation the eldest son in-law jumped in to save her. Next morning outside the 1st son in-law porch was a brand new Mercedez with a big note written on the screen. 'You are truly a good son in-law. You jump in to save me without any hesitation. For your good deed, I reward you with this car. Thank you'
2nd week she did the same test on the second son in-law. Again the 2nd son in-law jumped into the water and save her. Next morning outside the porch of the 2nd son in-law was also a brand new Mercedez with the same big thank you note for saving her life.
3rd week she went for a walk with the 3rd son in-law. When they crossed the bridge the old lady jumped in. But surprisingly the 3rd son in-law did not jumped in to save her. Eventually she drowned. But next morning on his porch he found a brand new PORSCHE. On the screen was written a thank you note. "My dearest 3rd son in-law. Thank you very much for delivering me from my miseries all these years. For your good deed, I present you with this Porsche. From your loving and free now Father in-law.
Thanks Eddy, never fail to bring on a smile,
******
Richard
******
Canon 20D 100mm Macro EF-S 18-55mm EF-S 55-250mm EF-400mm f5.6 Speedlite 550EX 2x420EX ST-E2
http://www.trident.smugmug.com/
Wah liao!!! That's a funny one eddy!
Cheers,
I have dwarf cichlids in my tanks! Do you?
Before marriage. ...
Darling here.. darling there...
After marriage. Baling here... baling there..
Before marriage. .
I die for you. . .
After marriage. "You die, up to you. "
Lagi lama married. . You want to die? I help you!
Before marriage. .
You go anywhere. . I follow you.
After marriage. . . You go anywhere. . up to you.
Lagi lama married. . ... You go anywhere better get lost!!
Before wedding
you are my heart, you are my love"
After wedding "you get on my nerves. "
Before wedding
"you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella"
After wedding "you are worse than godzila"
Before wedding
Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you
After wedding-Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you
Before wedding
Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La
After wedding-You want to go, he says you wait-lah
Before wedding
She looks like Anita Sarawak
After wedding-Don't know whether katak(frog) or biawak(lizard/iquana)
Before wedding
Weekends at Cameron, Genting and Fraser's Hill
After wedding-Furthest you go is Maxwell Hill
Before wedding
He opens the car door
After wedding-He opens his mouth and snores
Before wedding
She / he was your ideal
After wedding - She / he becomes your ordeal!!!!
A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've
got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant &
delivered a child. What is your opinion about that,
Doc?" the old man asked.
The doctor thought for a moment, then said, "Well, let
me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He
never misses a season for hunting. But, ! one day he's
in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his
umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So
he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly
he spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He
raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and
squeezes the handle.
BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief.
"Someone else must have shot that lion."
"Exactly"... Said the Doc.
One Liner Fish Jokes
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
Why didn't the lobster share his toys?
He was too shellfish.
What did one octopus say to the other octopus?
I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand,
hand.
Who robs banks and squirts ink?
Billy the Squid.
Where do you go to weigh whales?
At a whaleweigh station
What fish make the best sandwich?
A peanut butter and jellyfish
Where do you go to meet the best fish?
It doesn't matter - any old plaice will do.
What do you use to cut the ocean?
A seasaw
How do you post a fish?
You send it COD ... or first bass mail
What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on?
A Perch!
What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream?
Jellyfish!
What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?
'Your plaice or mine'!
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the 'Kelp-wanted' adds!
Why is a fish easy to weigh?
Because it has its own scales!
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