Laughter, the best medicine.

[eddy planer]

For those who have not heard it before


EVERGREEN SINGAPORE JOKE

Harry Lee was taking a stroll after a long parliament session. He walked passed Sir Stamford Raffles statue and stopped to admire the man who founded Singapore. Suddenly, Sir Stamford started talking to him. " Hey Harry, I am tired of standing, can you get me a horse so that I can sit on it like Napoleon?".

Harry was shocked. Sir Stamford Statue actually spoke to him!! The next day, he met the then President Devan Niar and told him what happened.
"You were not drinking with me last night, why are you hallucinating?" Nair wondered aloud. "I will go and take a look, if you like. A statue cannot talk!"

So off Devan went to see Sir Stamford Raffles statue. Nothing happened.

He went back and told Harry so.

Harry went back to the statue the very next day and sure enough, on arrival, Sir Stamford started talking again!.

" Hey Harry, I told you that I need a horse, why do you send me a DONKEY!"

[eddy planer]

Deaf Genie


A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get that ???" asked the surprised bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish - just one." The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks !"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ??? "

ps: no offend , duck

[marle]

thanks eddy planer

[eddy planer]

Here is one for laughs:

A group of North Korean fugitives arrived at one of the US fugitive camps. They lined up to be registered to be in the camp. The admin soldier wrote each and every individual names, gender, age, etc.

Next in the line is a tall slim man. The officer asked, " Name?". The fugitive answered, "PARK YU". Angered by the reply the officer snapped and said,"F**K YOU!!!!!. Tell me your full name again!!!!!!!"

The slim man shouted aloud at the top of his voice and said,"PARK YU TU." The next thing the man was shot dead by the officer.

[eddy planer]

NAMES OF HOSPITALS

You know why New Changi Hospital (NCH) changed its name to Changi
General Hospital (CGH)? Because NCH stands for "Never Come Home".
That's why business was very bad before it changed its name.
Now CGH stands for "Can Go Home". So business is picking up.

Business in Singapore General Hospital (SGH) is still going strong
because SGH stands for "Sure Go Home"!

Now National University Hospital (NUH) is also considering a name
change.
It stands for "No Use Hospital"!

What about Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH). Not too good name, no wonder so much problem. It stands for "Tiam Tiam Si Hospital" and now 'Tan Tiok SAR Hospital".

Another one,

Mount Elizabeth Hospital (MEH) - Most Expensive Hospital

Gleneagles Hospital (GlH)
- Glamourous Hospital (popular with tv/movie stars)

Alexandra Hospital (AH)
- Apologetic Hospital (Always saying sorry for running out of beds)

KK Women's & Children's Hospital (KKWCH)
- 'Kling Klang' Wobbly Careless Hospital
(Some staff have butter fingers and keep dropping medical instruments)


So, be careful which hospital you want to go if you are unwell. Touch
wood..!

[eddy planer]

Have a good laugh ....

Lee Sum Wan : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Mr.Saw Lee : Yes, you can speak to me.

Lee Sum Wan : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr Saw Lee : You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Lee Sum Wan : I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Mr. Saw Lee : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe wan got injured and now Noe Wan is
being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Mr. Saw Lee : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious
but I don't have time for this!

Lee Sum Wan : You are so rude! Who are you?

Mr. Saw Lee : I'm Saw Lee.

Lee Sum Wan : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name.

[eddy planer]

After spending a grate life a man died. in heaven He was walking in the Garden with God. Man told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Man began to ask questions about her.

Man: Lord, Women is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Man: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Man: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Man: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.

[eddy planer]

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of
the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope
wins, the Chinese would leave.

The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they picked a
middle-aged man named Ah Peh to represent them.

Ah Peh asked for one condition to be added to the debate. "To make it more
interesting", he said, "neither side would be allowed to talk".

The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Ah Peh and the Pope
sat opposite each other for a full minute.

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Peh looked back
at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle
around his head. Ah Peh pointed to the ground at where he sat.



The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Peh pull out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good. The Chinese
can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around The Pope asking him what
happened?. The Pope said, "first I held up three fingers to represent the
holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there was still one God common to both our religions."

Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us."
He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right
here with us."

I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He
showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for
everything.

What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Peh. "What
happened?" they asked.

Well," said Ah Peh, "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days
to get out of here. I replied to him f*@k off and not one of us was
leaving." "Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of
Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here." "Yes, and then???"
asked the crowd. "I don't know", said Ah Peh, "He took out his lunch, and
I took out mine!!!"

[eddy planer]

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, happily he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here!

"The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic . My forefathers were on that ship. "Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies : "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

[benny]

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut."

Customer: "Haloo, can I order ..."

Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose smart card number, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on .... 6102049998-45-54610"

Operator: "OK ... you're ... Mr Lau Ka Yew and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4123456, your office 7654 3210 and your mobile is
91234567. "

Customer: "How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator: "We are connected to the Main CRM system Sir"

Customer: "I want Seafood Pizza ..."

Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "Why?!"

Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and an even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What? ... What do you recommend then?"

Operator: "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know I will like it?"

Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK, I give up ... Give me three family sized ones then. How much will that cost?

Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last year", That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan Sir.

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator: "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle.."

Customer: " What?!"

Operator: "According to the details in system, you own a Scooter,... registration number E1123 ..."

Customer: "*'!^ *#?@%^**%^I7*"

Operator: "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language at a policeman ...

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing ... by the way ... aren't you giving me that 3 Free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also a diabetic ....... "

Customer: *Hangs Up*

.
.
.
.
.

5 minutes later... *Beep Beep*
Customer looks at handphone SMS:

"Sir, do you still want your order? If this is a prank call, we will refer you to our prank call department. - Pizza Hut"

[benny]

Signboard Outside A Prostitute's House:
Married MEN Not Allowed.
We Serve The Needy, Not The Greedy...

~~~~~~

Written On The T-Shirt Of A Girl:
SITUATORY WARNING: Objects Inside The T-Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear From Outside.

~~~~~~

A drunkard was brought to court.

Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, 'Order, order.'

The drunkard immediately responded, 'Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda.'

~~~~~~~

Man Quits Smoking Because Of Will Power.
He Quits Drinking Because Of Will Power.
But He Quits Womanizing Because He Has The Will But No Power.

~~~~~~~

Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.

~~~~~~~~

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

~~~~~~~~

Teacher : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?

Student : Brotherly love.

~~~~~~~~

Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

~~~~~~~~

Teacher: You know the importance of period?

Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.

~~~~~~~~

Women asked man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours??"

"No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints."

[David Moses Heng]

That's funny

[eddy planer]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every
morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was
making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas
morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs
sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey
innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts. A malicious
thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her
husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she
pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl
of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting,
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After
years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About
twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained
underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she
asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and
I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

hope this not so gross...

[eddy planer]

How to be Bill Gates 's son in law.

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.

Jack: Son, i want you to marry the girl of my choice.
Son: No, I will choose my own bride!
Jack: But the girl I have in mind is Bill Gates' daughter.
Son: Well, in that case...

Next, Jack approaches Bill Gates.

Jack: Bill, i have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry!
Jack: But this man is a vice-president of the world bank.
Bill Gates: Well, in that case...

Finally, Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Jack: I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.
President: But i already have more vice-presidents than i need!
Jack: But this young man is Bill Gates' son in law.
President: Well, in that case...

[eddy planer]

IF YOU HAVE EVER WONDERED WHY MEN LIE..



One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a
river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

"Yes", he replied. The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and
gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the
Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.


The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It
is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie,
you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also
said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then
said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!



That's our story, and we're sticking to it..


Regards,

from all the married men...

[trident]

The Harley Story
The founder of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson,
died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “You’ve been a good man and your
motorcycles have changed the world. Your reward is, you can hang out with
anyone you want in Heaven.”
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out
with God.”
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, “So you were the one who invented the
Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?” Arthur said, “Yeah, that’s me...” God
commented, “Well, what’s the big deal about inventing something that’s
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road!?!”
Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, “Excuse me but aren’t you the
inventor of woman???”
God said, “Ah, yes.”
”Well,” said Arthur, “Professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:

1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. And, the maintenance costs are outrageous!!

”Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited
for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be
true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur,”but according to
these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

[eddy planer]

Hi folks,

Here's an interesting article not a joke but is an inspiration to us all.

For those workaholics who thinks they are superbeings.

After reading this, the 3 lesson is...
1. Go home at 5pm on Monday but it is ok to stay back for the rest of the week.
We only make mistakes on Monday after 5pm.
2. Stay but don't bitch about it.
3. Shit happens whether you are here or not.
Might as well sleep and deal with you when you are rested.


Mr. Narayana Murthy is undoubtedly one of the most famous persons from Karnataka.
He is known not just for building the biggest IT Empire in India but also for his simplicity.
Almost every important dignitary visits InfoSys campus.
He delivered an interesting speech during an employee session with another IT company in India.
He is incidentally, one of the top 50 influential people of Asia according to
an Asiaweek publication and also the new IT Advisor to the Thailand Prime Minister.

Extract of Mr. Narayana Murthy's Speech during Mentor Session:

I know people who work 12 hours a day, six days a week, or more.
Some people do so because of a work emergency where the long hours
are only temporary.
Other people I know have put in these hours for years.
I do not know if they are working all these hours, but I do know
they are in the office this long.
Others put in long office hours because they are addicted to the workplace.
Whatever the reason for putting in overtime, working long hours over the
long term is harmful to the person and to the organization.
There are things managers can do to change this for everyone's benefit.
Being in the office long hours, over long periods of time, makes way for
potential errors.

My colleagues who are in the office long hours frequently make mistakes
caused by fatigue.
Correcting these mistakes requires their time as well as the time and
energy of others.
I have seen people work Tuesday through Friday to correct mistakes
made after 5 PM on Monday.

Another problem is that people who are in the office long hours are
not pleasant company.
They often complain about other people (who are not working as hard);
they are irritable, or cranky, or even angry.
Other people avoid them.
Such behaviour poses problems, where work goes much better when
people work together instead of avoiding one another.

As Managers, there are things we can do to help people leave the office.
First and foremost is to set the example and go home ourselves.
I work with a manager who chides people for working long hours.
His words quickly lose their meaning when he sends these chiding
group e-mails with a time-stamp of 2 AM, Sunday.

Second is to encourage people to put some balance in their lives.
For instance, here is a guideline I find helpful:
1) Wake up, eat a good breakfast, and go to work.
2) Work hard and smart for eight or nine hours.
3) Go home.
4) Read the books/comics, watch a funny movie, dig in the dirt,
play with your kids, etc.
5) Eat well and sleep well.

This is called recreating. Doing steps 1, 3, 4, and 5 enable step 2.
Working regular hours and recreating daily are simple concepts.
They are hard for some of us because that requires 'personal change'.
They are possible since we all have the power to choose to do them.

In considering the issue of overtime, I am reminded of my oldest son.
When he was a toddler, if people were visiting the apartment, he would not fall
asleep no matter how long the visit was, and no matter what time of day it was.
He would fight off sleep until the visitors left.
It was as if he was afraid that he would miss some thing.
Once our visitors' left, he would go to sleep.
By this time, however, he was over tired and would scream through half
the night with nightmares.
He, my wife, and I, all paid the price for his fear of missing out.

Perhaps some people put in such long hours because they do not
want to miss anything when they leave the office.
The trouble with this is that events ill never stop happening.
That is life! Things happen 24 hours a day.
Allowing for little rest is not ultimately practical.
So, take a nap.
Things will happen while you are asleep, but you will have the
energy to catch up when you wake.


Hence, 'LOVE YOUR JOB, BUT NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR
COMPANY BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THE COMPANY
STOPS LOVING YOU' Vary Vary True.

- Narayana Murthy -

agree?

[FireSpitter]

There is a world convention in Singapore for CEOs in the telecommunication industry. After 3 days of gruelling debates & opinions, the CEOs of 4 of the major manufacturers of telecommunication equipment decided to play golf together in TMCC.

Just when they were about to tee off, a phone was heard ringing. It was Nokia CEO's call. He stood straight as an antenna and started talking. When the call ended, with a smug, he said "Nokia's latest technology".

A few balls were hit when a second phone rang, instead of a phone, Sony Ericsson's CEO curled his 3 middle fingers & extended his outer 2, as if it were a phone and started talking. "No need to stand straight just to converse. Sony Ericsson offers better mobile solutions" he said.

A third call came shortly and it was Motorola CEO's turn to answer his call. Speaking freely with no need to hold out your hand like a phone or standing straight. When the call ended, he said proudly "Motorola - Pioneer of useful innovations"

Just when they were about to end the game, Panasonic's CEO suddenly clutched his stomach and ran in the bushes! "Oh no! Must be the bad salmon in this morning's breakfast" the rest of the CEOs thought. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him emerging from the bushes.. they got worried and went to look for him. They found him squatted amongst some bushes, pants down to his ankles and asked if he was all right. He said "Sorry for the worry. I'm receiving urgent fax from Japan HQ...."

[ukplanter]

Agreed that this is a good thread. My turn to revive it. An old joke but nevertheless I find this funny.....

It was just before England vs Brazil at the World Cup. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're shit and we can't be bothered." Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down to the pub!"
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England all by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few drinks. After a few pints, they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, lets see how he got on". They put on the teletext once again "Result from the stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes), England 1 (Crouch 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England!
They rush back to the stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down!"
"Don't be daft, you've got a draw against England, all by yourself! And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, no... I have let Brazil down.... I got sent off after 12 minutes!"

very funny ! suprised we managed a draw!

[Ah_ZhaN]

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks:
"I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

She replies:
"Yes, he's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."